After travelling extensively on trains and the London Underground for the last week, I’ve decided that some people need to learn how to behave on trains to avoid annoying the hell out of their fellow passengers.
This bird has a voice like ear sandpaper
First of all, don’t scream down the phone in English or your native language, it’s more annoying than that green bird puppet with the squeaky voice. And that puppet is annoying. I’m talking especially to the man sat on the opposite side of the train from me on Thursday night. I’ll tell you right now, dear reader, that this man couldn’t have been louder even if he tried. And, by the way, small and annoying man, the whole carriage knew that you had a cigarette in the toilet!
Number two, wear deodorant if you plan on travelling on the Tube. My dearest Momma had her face in some commuter’s stench-riddled armpit on the Piccadilly line and I think smelly pits are gross. I realise that the Tube gets crowded but at least make sure that you smell clean rather than smelling like a pair of jogger’s knickers.
Lastly, mind your head and your hands. After watching a man nearly get his head squashed between two closing doors on the Tube, I think people should mind their noggins. Now, you might be wondering about the hands bit, allow me to explain. While on the Tube- the same Tube where the man was almost decapitated- something was rubbing up and down my bottom. It could’ve been a bag, but I think that a desperate commuter decided that my buttocks looked good enough to touch. So they touched it. Several times. I would’ve turned to see who was doing it, but then I would’ve been snogging the woman who was next to me. So if that commuter is reading this- thanks, but no thanks.
So there’s some little rules for you to remember when travelling on train or Tube. If you think you might forget, just repeat this to yourself;
Mind my head, mind my smell, my hands and volume too.
That way people won’t think that I’m a chimp that escaped from the zoo
And if you do forget, shame on you, you filthy chimp!
Dutch Bennie 
I miss the London Underground. Sigh. It’s been 20 years since I lived there and I still miss London. Even though I lived there for only a year. Anyway, these rules could easily apply to the NYC subways as well, Bennie. They need to create posters with your rhyme on it, as a “gentle” reminder to people…
Perhaps we should start a global campaign to improve etiquette on all train and subway services! Perhaps you should make a triumphant return and relive your best memories of the Tube!
Sounds like good advice under many circumstances!
I think nearly every angle is covered!